Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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