Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
"it" just moved
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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