My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
