We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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