I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."