dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
