I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
