No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
