hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
