Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
