I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
