I look better un-naked...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
