my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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