how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
