I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
