Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
