ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina just recognized that song.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize