I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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