Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
