i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sorry about my life...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
