By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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