The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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