His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
