in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
