i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
