you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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