I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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