and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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