I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
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Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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