theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
