U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Terrible idea I love it
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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