You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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