Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
