i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
