it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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