The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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