all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm passing your future prison.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
