You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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