Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
