My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
