So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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