Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
