It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
In other news, I just burned my penis
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize