my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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