it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
