So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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