I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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