What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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