don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
