youre lurking in front of me
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.