We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later