There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
