I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
