Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
