i just wanna soil my oats bro
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
