i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
