My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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